His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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