I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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