I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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