I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
