I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
