I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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