My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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