i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
