If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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