I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
