and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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