i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
