I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
