My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
