so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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