i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
