Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
