omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
