How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
