I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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