my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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