I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
