I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
