I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
