why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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