the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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