i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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