I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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