sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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