The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
