I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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