It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
