I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
