How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
