I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
