She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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