At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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