you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
