ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
