I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
