theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
