i already hear my dad disowning me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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