No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
