I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
