Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
