but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
