he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
