Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm sobbing to NWA
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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