OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
