i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
only you would photoshop your dick
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
