Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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