frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize