I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
