I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
