Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
