Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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