Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
