We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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